This is how I’m feeling today
This week has been rough. PMS isn’t helping, and Seasonal Affective Disorder doesn’t make it any easier. Needless to say, there has been a lot of self-pity in this small equation. I locked myself in over the weekend, having made a huge pot of Chicken Tortilla Soup (rivaling the now de-funk’d Houston’s) I tucked myself in with a pen and some heavy reminiscent lamenting.
I’m probably going through one of those ante-thirty, “High fidelity-like” life assessments. Doesn’t help that my i-pod is filled with crappy emo bullshit.
I miss the metallic smell of my ex-boyfriend. The irony is that that smell once repelled me, or at least was the excuse I used to push him away. I thought I was being noble in my fight to break from his hold on me. But it’s only left me unhinged.
I would wrap myself around his 6’8 frame, while he sat on my couch watching late-night Adult-Swim, and I’d bury my face in the scratchy nook, where his neck and shoulder met. I’d feel his heart beat beneath his ratted flannel and tattered T-shirt and close my eyes and think, I love this, don’t hurt me. I had lofty notions, where I would always be careful with his heart, treat him with respect and give him enough room so that he didn’t feel suffocated. But when he followed my lead I took it for love-loss, and I slowly convinced myself that he no longer loved me and I no longer loved him in the same way. I was wrong. I never fought for him.
It seems I was the one that hurt him. So it’s over and I am alone. I smell the desperation swirling around me. I don’t want to be that girl, but I feel her ready to pounce, ready to ruin the faith that I had nurtured; that our time together had restored for me.
This, too, shall pass. Like the bits of me that cause me so much pain now. I’ll pop another pill (Midol) and take a short nap, it should be better in the daylight.
Leave a Reply