Just whining again…

There was a period where all my friends were going through the drama with all of their “significant “ others and then within a years time, they dropped off the face of the planet one by one, what had resurfaced was this pod person I used to call Rock star. Now we’ll just call her…Muffy. She traded in her Max Azria leather pants and 3 inch Dolce’s for sweater sets and pearls and flat shoes. She was in love. This was an epidemic in my neck of the woods, I used to say “something’s in the water, it must be the water.” A had a kid with her long time companion, M was in Aspen still doing the single thing, but settling down with her long time companion, S was in L.A. working as a producer, hadn’t had the time to settle down, MM was in London working and partying with a hot PR firm, J got married, and the very last few of the Rock Stars…well in the last year its as if the fates of procreation and love has just waved their blessed hands over all of them and now they, too are rocketing towards couple-hood and family life. D, my long-time friend from high school is moving to be closer with her beloved and has Baby-On-The-Brain Syndrome. So… It was M and I, the only ones left out of all of our vigilantly single friends, except our gays, a lot of them were breaking up. And the fates went and gave her a promotion she couldn’t refuse and she had to move to another city.

Now it’s just me. My nights have gotten longer and longer and without a job or school or any other social outlet, it feels quite bleak

This is the silence that makes a woman call up her ex to see what he’s doing. This is the stillness that conjures up feelings of uselessness and lack. It’s this very pocket of time in the comfort of my studio that makes me feel *GAG* lonely.

That heady, riotous scene is now faded in the background and I am leaning against my comfy chair with my cigarette in hand in silence, writing this blog. No plans on a Saturday night. We won’t go into to the fact that I will be entering the summer with a new body that I despise. And far be it from me to eat the bullshit that is dolled out to us in heavy and sad amounts in magazines and popular television, but the truth is, it is hard not to buy into the bullshit, sometimes. And any semi-smart, educated, feminist, like my friend JJ, would tell you that this subliminal campaign to stay thin, beautiful and youthful is all a rouse to satisfy the whims of the now aging generation X males of our time and we should be ashamed of our attachments to all things shallow and material, well I can Absolutely agree. But it doesn’t keep me warm at night.

This is where I start writing out the old “Tell us about yourself” category on various love sights. “Tell us what you’re looking for”. Which can bring nothing but shame and disgust.

Why is it so easy for Him? It doesn’t help that I have no social outlets, my younger friends are…well let’s face it, too young. I like shitty dive bars and spending abnormal amounts of money on sushi and good food, going to a lounge for an after dinner sit-down with equally fabulous people and maybe do a little jig or two before the night-or morning is through. And I want someone to come home to. Bottom line, I just want to stumble home, fling off my heels, chug a glass a water with a few Advil, crawl into bed next to his warm body and sleep in silence.

~ by Timbre on March 15, 2008.