this is what pain is like for me

I was given a disgusting sick little pill to get rid of the pain that I experience from time to time but specifically around the time of my cycle. It brings on the worst headaches and lulls me to slur my speech and fall asleep during conversations. The alternative I guess would be much worse. If I had no Ultram to wane this feeling of slow death, I’d be heaving in a puddle of my own sick in the middle of the kitchen floor, broken glass of water inches from my hand, blacking out praying to god that the pain just needs to end. And I don’t even believe in God.

This is Endometriosis, kids, and it aint pretty.

Last year I was in the emergency room almost every month for five months because of my endo. Advil, Motin, Ibuprofen with their varied milligram increments had no effect on the torturous, pain that I experienced. Picture lying in bed, feeling nauseous, your stomach seizing every time you move, breathe or swallow, your head aches, your back kills, your legs scream with mind crippling cramps, your toes are curling from the dull endless ache of regular menstrual, but when they subside you experience various other cramps in various areas of your body. You are sweating like you are in labor. I have never been in labor and I can safely say it’s just like being in labor, maybe worse. You need to take a pill or something to ease the pain, but your too nauseous to move, by the time you muster the courage to get up, you cannot even stand upright, your bent over with the most ridiculous belly pains a person can even imagine, think a combination of really bad cramps, a hot steel poker tooling around your insides and really bad food poisoning. Then you start to tremble, and the sweats come on in horrendous nauseating waves, you begin to salivate *fuck* you begin to drool like a rabid dog. Now you’re bent over in the middle of the room trying to get to the bathroom trying to get a glass of water trying to take a pill knowing it’s too late for that. Your flow is heavy and you need to relax your muscles and sit or lay down but, you can’t because you’re trying to stop the spit from rising to your throat by swallowing it back down. Your stomach turns and its too late you start dry heaving on your kitchen floor, you frantically look for a bath towel, the nausea bringing you to your knees, your bent over a bath towel like a sick, broken dog. You feel helpless because as all this is happening, you are experiencing the most out of body pain a person can experience, your bleeding all over your self, your clothes are now soaked with sweat, your shivering because your temperature is finally stabilizing and then you begin to throw up, nothing but bitter bile, because the endo had you so sick you were in bed all day yesterday without eating. You get that terrible anal cramp that most endo sufferers do, it feels like—god, I don’t know—it feels like someone is punching you in the anus with a steel object. And you feel it from your toes to the tip of your nose. The anemia is now kicking in, all that adrenaline from the walk from your bed through the kitchen trying to reach the bathroom has got you spent so now you are shaking and losing all sense of reality. You are about to black out in your own sick and there’s not a thing you can do about it. You are alone, lying in a puddle on a towel in your own bile passed out and bleeding. At this point it’s too late to take anything, IBU 800, Vicodin, Advil, Percoset—I SHIT YOU NOT, WILL NOT WORK! Just absolutely will not. The nausea and pain have to go away first before anything else subsides, usually when I take a pill after all that I have a couple more violently sweaty vomiting attacks and you see the remnants of the pink and white pill in the toilet, or on the bed cover or on the floor or on the couch, wherever you are when it hits, because forget about getting to the bathroom, the endo stops you cold in your tracks, wherever you are. That’s why you stay home when it comes on and you don’t leave until she’s done with you. Or the pills work but literally after hours of moaning, and breathing and sweating and pleading to your pillow to give you some relief, I have caught myself asking God why, I never as God why, ever. But all normal thought is thrown out the window when pain strikes in doses the size of oceans. That coupled with sour stomach and headaches like migraines and body aches that feel like a hacksaw is cutting at your bone…well, an atheist would be drawn to the same pleading. Somewhere between all that and blackout, I can hail a cab and get to the emergency room, where the waiting rooms stink, and children are bleeding and old people are bellowing and kids are being wheeled in for DUI. I feel stupid for coming in for some “cramps”. And there’s that doctor who’s highly suspicious of my visits, who still checks me for track marks or any indication of a habit or mental illness. *fuck you, you suspicious masturbatory prick, get me my tube and my fucking Demerol and kiss my ever loving fat black ass*

This is Endometriosis, I told you it wasn’t pretty.

It is national Endometriosis Month. Please make yourself aware of this terrible fucking disease, inform yourself or volunteer.

Endometriosis

~ by Timbre on March 17, 2008.