bleet…

I am in need of a minuscule spiritual awakening today. My interaction with people have become less and less the more I obsess over sending out resumes and delivering a smile or some such shite. I fear I am becoming a traitor to my name—and stifled in my own game and my only community has distilled into the virtual world.

I would take a walk but I am exhausted and my bones creak and my limbs are tight with regret and lack of self awareness. I fear my chemistry has a hold on me. I abhor being a victim to my own emotions and quite honestly, I believe that I am more a victim to my attachments rather to sadness or fear or regret.

My chemistry puts me in a place of lament and then the mind begins to swirl with past or current events that I build up to be markers of my own definition. I shift into this dark space holding on to my circumstance as a symbol of who I am. Excising my self with each heavy blow I bear upon myself. The scars are beginning to run red and that’s no place to be. Another symptom of the spiral I no longer feel the need to contribute to. When friends are scarce, because they too have their own form of self mutilation to exorcise, where can one turn to?

I am offended by my swift and ever changing moods. I am not digging the way a tone or allusion can send me into a self-obsessed spin. I used to have methods to protect myself from the agony of self-loathing…I think I will refer back to this simple note again. It helps.

I don’t know it’s just how I’m feeling today

If my life were a movie
there would be a sunset
and the camera would pan away
but the sky is just a little sister
tagging along behind the buildings
trying to imitate their grey
the little boys are breaking bottles
along the sidewalk
the big boys, too
the girls are hanging out at the candy store
pumping quarters into the phone
’cause they don’t want to go home

and I think,
what if no one’s watching
what it when we’re dead, we’re just dead
what if it’s just us down here
what if god ain’t looking down
what if he’s looking up instead

if my life were a movie
I would light a cigarette
and the smoke would curl around my face
everything I do would be interesting
I’d play the good guy
in every scene
but I always feel I have to
take a stand
and there’s always someone on hand
to hate me for standing there
I always feel I have to open my mouth
and every time I do
I offend someone
somewhere

but what
what if no one’s watching
what if when we’re dead, we’re just dead
what if there’s no time to lose
what if there’s things we gotta do
things that need to be said

you know I can’t apologize
for everything I know
I mean you don’t have to agree with me
but once you get me going
you better just let me go
we have to be able to criticize
what we love
say what we have to say
’cause if you’re not trying to make something better
as far as I can tell
you’re just in the way

I mean what
what if no one’s watching
what if when we’re dead
we’re just dead
what if it’s just us down here
what if god is just an idea
someone put in your head

I mean what
what if no one’s watching
what if no one’s watching…

Ani Di Franco

~ by Timbre on March 26, 2008.