guilty cubicles
What is this paralyzing feeling I have about going to work in the morning?
After 10 months I should be jumping for joy, right?
Usually I am pumped, putting out clothes, getting excited about starting a new week. I feel challenged and hopeful and alive and ready to take on the world because with a paycheck I can actually pay bills and get myself back together agian.
What is wrong with me that I am not even enthusiastic about the actual start of turning things around? Is it that my debt has piled so insurmountably that there seems to be no end or relief in sight no matter what I make at this point? Can I not breathe under the thought of working to continually pay for debt—It’s like being on the wheel in the mouse cage. It really is. I should feel blessed and lucky but I just feel burdened by the fact that I will still be struggling. Atleast without a job you have an excuse. With one you have no excuse to choose living over debt.
Food for the week? or Cell Phone Bill?
DInner or Toilet Paper?
Weekly Bus Ticket or electricity?
After my first big interview I noticed something odd. When the interview went well I felt like I needed to throw up and I got real depressed and edgy. I was scared. I was scared of failing at the job if I got it.
Something is brutally wrong. I am starting to realize that I am having ridiculous mini anxiety attacks, they are brief and quelled once I face these trivial little fears but they are anxiety attacks none the less…when did this happen.
I must have been creating it all this time being out of the loop; I have been making myself sick by silent hateful self-talk that I hadn’t even been fully conscious of. I have been reminding myself how unworthy I am of work, of fairness, of money, of kindness or even a break. I have been secretly convincing myself that I don’t deserve luck, that I am not worth any fortune. I have been carrying around guilt for things I can’t yet identify, I am bad talking myself every chance I get behind my own back.
I read this unbelievably beautiful and quietly poignant ARTICLE written by Milly in Wixed Mords that I still refer to from time to time and I should go there right now and re-read it but I think I really need some meditation…I feel poisoned and I did it to myself.
Gross.
Self-doubt and subjugation is their MO, liberation is your destiny.
Hi Timbre,
Thanks for the link. You’re so refreshingly honest in your writing- it makes it completely captivating.
You know, the world tells us ugly, mean stuff about ourselves, stuff that isn’t true. And it’s really hard to plug up our ears and define ourselves without anyone else’s input.
But for the record, I think you’re awesome.
Peace,
~Milly
Johnny P- you’re so right. Just reading some of my stuff it’s absolutely true…I am on some strange quest for freedom. To release myself from thye very things I’ve bought into. Thank You. Honestly, Thanks.
Milly- Aw Shucks! what does someone who really has a hard time believing in herself and accepting compliments say to another writer who she is humbled by? Thank you. and Aw shucks, man.
I think you rock! and not because of the compliment but because your righting is insightful, inspiring, thoughtful, smart and funny and I am amazed how many brilliant people are out there baring their souls and making a difference just by telling their stories.
btw…am severely PMessing so am entirely too sappy today. But I mean every word.