taller till now

I am a coward.

I love my ex-boyfriend.

I think.

I love Vanilla Ice cream, this I know.

This I am sure of.

But my boyfriend…not so sure.

I will not be telling him

I have a list of reasons I shouldn’t,

a list of excuses,

unfounded misgivings,

crazy explanations

and valid truths not to.

I am a coward.

I can no longer give myself away.

I can no longer cut my flesh and trade it by the ounce…

wrap it in brown paper and pass it on as fresh and sellable–to strangers so cavalierly.

This does not mean that I cannot do it in the future,

but the exchange feels too precarious,

too misguided—now.

I have waited a long time to put myself out on the line…

I have no issue with being vulnerable or exposed,

the issue comes when you begin to feel like you’re compromising your own beliefs.

When you feel like you may be giving into someone else’s will.

There’s nothing wrong with that…

but I am FRAGILE,

ready to spill at any moment and I just can’t be her today.

I come off as—how ever I come off,

but deep down

I am a delicate breakable

who takes on the weight of words

like wet blankets and heavy baggage,

or china wrapped in dead bubble wrap

My leonine sensibilities have me roar like a lion —

mostly in truth,

but merely in fears of becoming found out

I am the kitten, new to the world and afraid of

heartbreak

and rejection

and abandonment

and failing.

Do I love him or am I just missing the comfort his presence brings?

Do I need him or do I just need his attention to reassure me that I am still desired?

Do I want him or am I just feeling needy and desperate?

I need an open heart not a coward

I need a confidant not a betrayer

a friend who’s loyal and has integrity and wants to be my someone special.

I need words with meaning not mono syllabic grunts

I need compassion not judgment

I need to be heard, not saved

I need to be seen.

Is this my ex?

I just don’t know.

~ by Timbre on April 26, 2008.