Such as my birth, so my life…

As the ever-persistent rebel that I am and in true form, I arrived in this world when I damned well pleased. Having put my mother through 72 hours of natural born hell, I finally arrived under a high Pisces moon in the summer of 73. I think it was the summer of Sam in certain places, but for me it was Minneapolis, Minnesota. I released my first cry of rage for the entire neo-natal ward to hear–merely a foreshadowing of my life and what was to come.

I was the ugly kid. Tormented from pre-school, through Montessori all the way to 8th graded. This was not an isolated incidence this was a full blown epidemic, every city I moved to and every school I attended there were gangs of assholes imposing their ass-ey little wills upon me. I was getting teased and taunted for breathing, I walked aimlessly, a shadow, invisible by most except for those who loved to terrorize a pre-teen with one boob bigger than the other.

7th grade was the hardest…everyone was going to these extravagant, overdone Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, including my sister and I was the girl who always stayed at home and couldn’t include myself in morning conversations of mishaps at the seder or how Mrs. Sobel gulped down way to much Manischewitz and was in the woman’s restroom for hours. No I read a book near my locker praying for the first bell to ring.

I grew up escaping the torture of my angsty youth through word and colored wax. I was the small sort who got bored easily, hated authority due to my realization that adults aren’t to be trusted and walked a crooked path while everyone else walked a straight one…

I realized at a very young age that I did not want to be a follower and no matter what, I would try to include everyone when things felt too clique-ey, maybe that’s why I have a hard time committing fully to people…committing to much of anything, really. There was a part of me that kept people at a safe distance in order to safeguard myself from sabotage and my only connection with people, in order not to feel rejection was through facilitations and a place of control.

I had such an unclear vision of who I was meant to be, I just knew I was always an expressive and creative child who loved food, music, reading and creating a lush and new world around me.

I really have no idea what it is that I want from this life. I know I like leisure, lots of it. I know I like helping people acquire things, find things and meet others who can facilitate change, I love creating whether that’s food or a story an event or a piece of art a new relationship or chaos.

I used to know what I wanted to be when I grew up. When I was a child I wanted to be Wonder Woman, I also wanted her ice blue eyes…some dreams just cant come true. When I was a pre-teen I was all angsty and emo, I tried so hard to be different and original but I was too scared to shave my head or get a mohawk.

In college I discovered that I was a very visual person and decided I wanted to make films but when I went to film school, I compared myself to everyone else and my confidence faded. By the time I got out I not only felt like a hack and that I didn’t have an original bone in my body but I felt like Hollywood was not the place I wanted to end up. So…

Now what?

~ by Timbre on June 22, 2008.