Notes to My Higher-Self

Totally thinking out-loud here—in a public forum. Depression is a funny and wild thing. I mean there are a lot of factors involved, right? Physiology, Psychology, Chemistry…and in no way shape or form am I making light of the devastation depression can wreak on ones life. But it got me to thinking.

A little over 15 years ago I read this life-altering book that really changed my perspective on a lot of particular issues in my life at the time.

I know, I know —hokey-hippy-dippy shit right? Maybe, but helpful for me, nonetheless.

Yes, it is a book that teaches one to become psychic.

But taking it one step further, it’s a book that teaches us how to become better connected with the world and with ourselves. It explained the basic mechanics of the manageability of life which resonated with me since it fell in line with things that I can grasp and trust.

Yes, God plays a factor in this but not in the traditional sense.

For me religion, spiritual practice, faith is a personal endeavor, since the experience of life is dreadfully personal then my practice or journey is as well. That said, I am not a believer of God in the traditional sense. I am not a strong proponent of any hierarchal organized religion. I believe in God but not as a finite entity. For me God is the universe.

S/He is amorphous and within S/He is all.

I will not wax theological, for I am just a lowly dilettante who knows nothing of history or theory and I will not be a spokesperson for any one belief. I do, however believe in the basic tenets of religion, treat others as you would want to be treated, love unconditionally, be compassionate to all, don’t kill anyone—you get the drift.

My practice, I guess, would be creative self-expression. Now on one level that sounds basic and terribly egocentric and self-serving, but one-it’s personal and two-it’s the act of creation itself. But on another level Self expression, in very un-articulate words, is creating the life you want through positive thinking and energy, basic laws of attraction. This is not The Secret. This book was out long before The Secret. However, the basic ideas of The Secret are deeply ingrained in the philosophy of this book. That’s probably why the secret made sense to me.

I started off by talking about this as it relates to depression because when I was depressed, I used meditation and other “distractions” to alleviate the psychic torture I was inflicting on myself. Depression is a Pandora’s Box of self-inflicted ill-intent. It is a downward spiral. A negative event triggers a whirlwind of emotion, flings me sideways and I find myself swept up in emotion that propels the negative thoughts even more. That compounded with my attachments to these emotions and negative thoughts keep me weighted and sinking into depths that seem impossible to rise above.

I guess a while ago, maybe a year ago-when I lost my insurance, I signed up for a Depression study, in hopes that I could get some free therapy; behavioral therapy, not Psychiatry. Despite popular belief, I don’t like drugs. Especially ones that put a shit band-aid over huge gaping wounds that, in time and with proper behavioral modification, could heal on its own. But low and behold I received a call to come in for an initial Clinical visit.

The preliminary questions were vague and, quite frankly, not truly addressing the fact that on several occasions, I have healed myself from Anxiety and Depression, without the use of mind-altering drugs. And that if I did experience an “episode”—

—-which, kids, let’s just take a sidebar-A little “reality check” here— Everyone experiences varying degrees of depression, it has to be a condition ingrained deeply into this society, there are no two ways about it, people are suffering, whether its clinical or just the blues- we as a nation, maybe even as a global community suffer from this epidemic. It is unavoidable. Now, good on ya if you’ve never experienced the blues before-Kudos to you, but I’d be hard-pressed to believe that somewhere, sometime in life it hasn’t bubbled up to the surface. If it hasn’t, you are truly blessed. However, without sounding self-righteous—it will.

Back to the soap-box… and that if I did experience an “episode”— I used meditation as my primary therapy, NOT drugs. So the question, I guess is, do I go for it?

Stupid question, because I know the answer. The question brings me back to this book that I read so long ago.

Yes it has been a ROUGH mother- fucking couple of years-no doubts about it.

· My grandmother dying of cervical cancer before graduation

· My Abuela dying of a stroke five weeks later

· Two year old niece dying suddenly of rare leukemia that hit like a flu at first then killed her within hours.

· Aunt dying of breast Cancer one month later.

· Teacher and mentor dying of breast Cancer.

· Losing job.

· Losing insurance.

· Finding out need additional surgery, because previous doctor botched last surgery

· Finding out that I need physical therapy and general medical care before and after surgery without insurance.

· Bills piling up.

· Bill collectors calling me incessantly.

· Exponential increase of debt.

· Out of work for nearly a year.

· Inability to find a job.

· Rent being behind two months now.

· Absolutely NO income.

· Illness ravaging my body and general well-being.

· Friends leaving the city, getting married, having children etc…

· Lack of focus, no goals no career.

Yes, these are factors for some serious depression. And yes, I have had some time to accept these changes and factors. No, I don’t feel that I am depressed, just sometimes. Despite all the shit, I am truly hopeful, maybe naively so, but I AM hopeful. This can’t be my life. It certainly cannot be the end of my life. This is the time where ACTION must become my main focus. I should meditate on the life I am meant to live. Focus on the life I want to create for myself, right? Yeah.


~ by Timbre on March 10, 2008.

2 Responses to “Notes to My Higher-Self”

  1. Thanks for reading that crazy rant I wrote, I’m surprised you found it. Very nice post, I see we agree on a lot of things. I really like the way you put it. Anyways, for what it is worth, you seem to definitely have the right state of mind to grab control of your life, if you haven’t already.

  2. Oh and about that question…

    I do think that as a kid I was probably impressionable, and had a hard time coping in a very big school where I felt devastated because some kids were mean, and some teachers didn’t care about me. I probably just have a hard time dealing with reality, because I can be imaginative loose track of things. So what that says about my depression, I don’t completely understand right now. Anyways, great post and I’ll keep reading your blog, although I am still figuring wordpress out.

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